I knew that I wanted to go back to Leona Divide, but I wanted to wait until after Crown King before I made a decision. I felt so fantastic after Crown King that I could't wait to race again and wanted that race to be Leona Divide. (My first experience there ended with me being pulled off the course at mile 29 because my kidneys were shutting down.) The Friday morning of the wedding I found out I was going to Leona Divide and I cried I was so happy. Norm and I laughed that I would cry over going to a race, but wouldn't cry at my wedding. I was feeling strong and confident about my running and I was beyond Leona.
Fast forward a week. Work has been crazy, school was crazy and two of my kids had huge projects due. On top of that, I had been feeling exhausted and just a little off all week. And I had barely run since Crown King. The plan was to leave for Leona on Friday morning around 9am. We were staying in Palmdale the first night and moving to San Clemente to camp at the beach after the race. This meant not only packing for the race, but also for camping. We left at 10:30am and we basically left here with a tent and sleeping bags. I am not exaggerating, no food, no cooler, no flashlights. I'm trying to leave the house, but keep trying to deal with problems at work. More than once I said I didn't want to go, my head wasn't in the right place. At one point I just sat down on my bed a cried overwhelmed by trying to figure out my drop bag situation. I do not handle race nerves well, but this was the worst yet.
Half way there I decide to check the weather again. RAIN! I was not prepared for rain. I don't even own a jacket you can wear to run in cold rain - I live in the desert. When it rains, it isn't cold. We stopped at the outlet mall in Palm Springs so I could buy a jacket at the Nike outlet, but they didn't have any jackets. Norm had left to take Sinjin to the bathroom so when Ava and I headed to the Addidas outlet I had no way to tell him because of course Norm left his phone in the car. At the Addidas outlet I proceeded to have a full blown melt down trying to decide which jacket to buy. I tried calling all my close running friends and no one was answering. My poor 11 year old handled me like a pro and eventually Norm went to the car to get his phone and called me. It took several phone calls, but we were able to explain to Norm how to get to the store. (If you haven't been there that mall needs it's own zip code!) I finally bought a jacket, but spent the next hour obsessing over whether or not I bough the right jacket.
Fast forward a week. Work has been crazy, school was crazy and two of my kids had huge projects due. On top of that, I had been feeling exhausted and just a little off all week. And I had barely run since Crown King. The plan was to leave for Leona on Friday morning around 9am. We were staying in Palmdale the first night and moving to San Clemente to camp at the beach after the race. This meant not only packing for the race, but also for camping. We left at 10:30am and we basically left here with a tent and sleeping bags. I am not exaggerating, no food, no cooler, no flashlights. I'm trying to leave the house, but keep trying to deal with problems at work. More than once I said I didn't want to go, my head wasn't in the right place. At one point I just sat down on my bed a cried overwhelmed by trying to figure out my drop bag situation. I do not handle race nerves well, but this was the worst yet.
Half way there I decide to check the weather again. RAIN! I was not prepared for rain. I don't even own a jacket you can wear to run in cold rain - I live in the desert. When it rains, it isn't cold. We stopped at the outlet mall in Palm Springs so I could buy a jacket at the Nike outlet, but they didn't have any jackets. Norm had left to take Sinjin to the bathroom so when Ava and I headed to the Addidas outlet I had no way to tell him because of course Norm left his phone in the car. At the Addidas outlet I proceeded to have a full blown melt down trying to decide which jacket to buy. I tried calling all my close running friends and no one was answering. My poor 11 year old handled me like a pro and eventually Norm went to the car to get his phone and called me. It took several phone calls, but we were able to explain to Norm how to get to the store. (If you haven't been there that mall needs it's own zip code!) I finally bought a jacket, but spent the next hour obsessing over whether or not I bough the right jacket.
This is the jacket I bought and I actually love it! Wore it all weekend - even after the race.
Finally, we get to Palmdale. I can't find anything close that I want for dinner. I am obsessing over my drop bag. Norm went off in search of Papa John's to get me pizza with with no cheese. And probably to get away from me, from the amount of time he was gone I think he drove to LA!
I didn't eat until 9pm. I set the alarm for 4am and hoped for the best. By the time I went to bed, I was starting to look forward to running. I missed running and I couldn't wait to be out on the trail and away from the stress of the week. I actually had a dream where I was running and saying to Norm, "look how well I am running, I feel great!"
We got to the start with plenty of time. (Not always the case, usually I am yelling at Norm for making me late.) Everything went really smooth, except I forgot my lube. Andy Noise was at the race and I asked him if he knew if there were any supplies for runners. There was a tube of some foot stuff just laying around. We used that on the places I normally chaffe. Wish I could remember the name - it worked really well.
And we are off! It was climb for the get go, but I didn't care - I love climbing. My jacket was a bit warm the first few miles, but when we got a bit higher I was super thankful I bought that jacket. There was ice on the ground and snow falling on us. As I ran through grass up to my chest with snow falling I thought, "Now I'm an ultra runner." There have been some snarky comments because my ultra distances have been on looped courses and not rugged rough trails. I was in 2nd and running easy. All was good until the pack of boys I was running with realized we had missed a turn. We headed back but I think we added about a mile to our run. Because of the out and back I was able to see that the missed turn had put me into 3rd. I wasn't concerned because there was plenty of race left and we were about to do some major climbing which is my strength. Out of the aid station I was feeling good. I could tell I was developing a major blister, but I was ignoring it. I has also been having some pain in my hip flexor, felt like maybe a strain, but it was annoying not painful and I wasn't concerned. Around mile 20 that pain started shooting into my knee. Climbing I was fine, but any down or even flat and I was in pain. By mile 22 I wasn't sure I could finish the race. I was losing the ability to pick up leg. By mile 23 I was walking downhills and walking them carefully because it felt like my knee would explode. I was passed by 4 women during these slow painful miles.
Was I imagining the pain? Was I making it worse than it really was because my head wasn't in the right place for racing? I told myself I had to figure it out by the next aid station a few miles away. With each step it was becoming increasingly clear I was not going to make it 25 more miles on my knee. I was considering dropping down to the 50K. I would actually run about 35 miles, but at least I would not DNF. One of the guys I had been running with came up behind me also struggling with an injury. We struggled to the aid station together. At the mile 26 aid station we contemplated our choices, eventually heading off to attempt the 50K. I made it about 1.5 miles and realized that there was not way I would make it to the next aid station. I could walk just fine, but running was not happening. I could not longer lift my leg at all and was basically dragging it behind me. I told Joe about my decision and headed back. On a positive note, I was able to help a few runner's get things out of their pack as they were heading to the next aid station.
I made it back to the aid station and let them know I was dropping. I think I was in shock. I normally cry like a baby when races don't go the way I want. But this time I just sat in a chair staring at the ground. The pain came out of no where - this isn't a lingering injury. And the pain became debilitating so quickly. With no cell service I was stuck at the aid station until it closed down in about 2 hours. Jimmy Dean was nice enough to let me sit in his car and I quickly fell asleep. I think I slept about an hour when I woke to tapping on the window. Someone was driving back to the start and would give me a ride. We pulled up right next o my family, but of course they didn't notice as they weren't expecting me in a car. I get out and yell, "Norm! I had to quit. Can we just leave now!" No one asked questions, but everyone jumped into action getting me to the car.
We got to the start with plenty of time. (Not always the case, usually I am yelling at Norm for making me late.) Everything went really smooth, except I forgot my lube. Andy Noise was at the race and I asked him if he knew if there were any supplies for runners. There was a tube of some foot stuff just laying around. We used that on the places I normally chaffe. Wish I could remember the name - it worked really well.
And we are off! It was climb for the get go, but I didn't care - I love climbing. My jacket was a bit warm the first few miles, but when we got a bit higher I was super thankful I bought that jacket. There was ice on the ground and snow falling on us. As I ran through grass up to my chest with snow falling I thought, "Now I'm an ultra runner." There have been some snarky comments because my ultra distances have been on looped courses and not rugged rough trails. I was in 2nd and running easy. All was good until the pack of boys I was running with realized we had missed a turn. We headed back but I think we added about a mile to our run. Because of the out and back I was able to see that the missed turn had put me into 3rd. I wasn't concerned because there was plenty of race left and we were about to do some major climbing which is my strength. Out of the aid station I was feeling good. I could tell I was developing a major blister, but I was ignoring it. I has also been having some pain in my hip flexor, felt like maybe a strain, but it was annoying not painful and I wasn't concerned. Around mile 20 that pain started shooting into my knee. Climbing I was fine, but any down or even flat and I was in pain. By mile 22 I wasn't sure I could finish the race. I was losing the ability to pick up leg. By mile 23 I was walking downhills and walking them carefully because it felt like my knee would explode. I was passed by 4 women during these slow painful miles.
Was I imagining the pain? Was I making it worse than it really was because my head wasn't in the right place for racing? I told myself I had to figure it out by the next aid station a few miles away. With each step it was becoming increasingly clear I was not going to make it 25 more miles on my knee. I was considering dropping down to the 50K. I would actually run about 35 miles, but at least I would not DNF. One of the guys I had been running with came up behind me also struggling with an injury. We struggled to the aid station together. At the mile 26 aid station we contemplated our choices, eventually heading off to attempt the 50K. I made it about 1.5 miles and realized that there was not way I would make it to the next aid station. I could walk just fine, but running was not happening. I could not longer lift my leg at all and was basically dragging it behind me. I told Joe about my decision and headed back. On a positive note, I was able to help a few runner's get things out of their pack as they were heading to the next aid station.
I made it back to the aid station and let them know I was dropping. I think I was in shock. I normally cry like a baby when races don't go the way I want. But this time I just sat in a chair staring at the ground. The pain came out of no where - this isn't a lingering injury. And the pain became debilitating so quickly. With no cell service I was stuck at the aid station until it closed down in about 2 hours. Jimmy Dean was nice enough to let me sit in his car and I quickly fell asleep. I think I slept about an hour when I woke to tapping on the window. Someone was driving back to the start and would give me a ride. We pulled up right next o my family, but of course they didn't notice as they weren't expecting me in a car. I get out and yell, "Norm! I had to quit. Can we just leave now!" No one asked questions, but everyone jumped into action getting me to the car.
After a little In-N-Out burger everyone's mood improved!
Right now I feel like I am at a loss for what to do next. I have a race schedule planned. But here is the thing I feel like you don't hear people talk about in open. Racing is expensive and we can talk about sponsorships and prize money ruining ultra running, but I can't continue without prize money and sponsorships. The race fee's and the travel add up quickly. And I am super lucky to have sponsors who help me out, but I needed to do well at Leona. It is not possible for me foot the bill for all the racing we have planned. A friend one said she was inspired to push harder when someone told her she was just "a good local runner." Right now I am trying to make peace with the fact that maybe I am just a good local runner, although I don't in my heart believe that. But, I am not so young and I have a family to take care of...I often feel like I am running out of time. Pretty much Norm and I wake up every day and say we run today and see what happens tomorrow. So I guess I run today and we see what happens tomorrow.
Thanks to Andy for the picture!
