​I wrote a whole blog about Desert Solstice, but I am not sure I want to share it. So, I saved it and maybe one day I will feel like revisiting it, but not now. Basically I let people get in my head and didn't stick to the plan and it was a shit show.
 
I have basic race plan for the first four months 2019. I’m running Coldwater 52 miles (1/19) as a training run for Black Canyon 100K (2/16). I am headed back to Colorado to run RUFA 6 hours on March 9 (if I can get registered before it sells out). Of course I will be at my favorite Aravaipa race Crown King Scramble on March 30th. And I am headed to Oklahoma for The Oklahoma City Marathon on April 28th.  I am sure I will through some other stuff in there to use as training runs and speed workouts.
 
I have some ideas or the summer but I haven't really made any decisions or final plans. I am also looking at some FKT’s but need to sit down and make some plans for those. 
 
Monday:
Norm has decided he wants to run again, I think. He asked about running with me a couple days ago. Today Norm decided to head out with me. I told him to pick a distance and that was what we would run. He likes trail better so we went out on the trail. Norm decided to go to Visitor’s Center and back. That seemed a bit far for me (it’s 6 miles total) but it was his choice. We weren’t far in and he seemed to be struggling so I offered to turn around but he wanted to continue. We were close to the Visitor’s Center when Norm took a bad fall right in front of a bunch of people. Poor guy! We walked to the Visitor’s Center. We headed back home after using the bathroom and chatting with some people about their dogs. It was a lovely 3 mile hike home. 
 
Tuesday:
I don't normally post my workouts on here. Not that I am hiding them, you can see it all on my Strava. But I am so happy with this workout that I am posting a picture. And for once my Suunto and Strava where in synch (meaning Strava didn't say I ran insanely fast miles that I did not run.)
 
I left for 12 mile run with 4 miles to warm up and 6 miles at 6:35ish pace. I am terrible at pacing so I never expect to be dead on. I was already worried during the warm up because I was feeling sluggish. Right before starting the fast running I stopped and was trying to mentally pull myself together. Zach and Nicole Bitter went by wishing me a merry Christmas and probably wondering why I was just standing there. I was giving myself a pep talk. The first mile did not go well. I was struggling and didn't come close to pace. I was worried that the whole work out was going to be a disaster. But after that first mile I picked up the pace and felt great. The only time I didn't feel great was when I would look at my watch and see it say 6:15. That would cause me to freak out. I kept having to remind myself to calm down. I was running comfortably and felt fine. I kept telling myself, “You are faster than you think, be happy.”
 
With 3 miles of speed left I started having a bad side cramp. I think it was from the constant stopping and starting due to stop lights, people, and in general city stuff. I had decided to take one of my favorite road routes knowing there wouldn't be much traffic on Christmas Eve. I think it messes up my breathing and ends up giving me a side cramp. Yeah, we'll go with that. 
 
To sum it, I am really impressed with myself! 

​Wednesday:
10 easy miles today. Since my watchband is still broken I wear my running vest and shove the watch in my pocket. If I am not looking at my watch it is easier to run slow. 
 
Thursday:
Since Enzo and Brandi are out of town I am dealing with their puppies and my dogs. By the time I got everyone outside, inside and fed and had my coffee I has been up for almost an hour and a half and my stomach was starting to growl. I got dressed to run and saw that it was 42 degrees outside. I changed back into warm clothes. I decided to work on cleaning my desk and run later today when it warms up.
 
I have come to the conclusion that some sort of massive taper is not for me.  A couple years ago I decided to cut my taper to a few days before the race. I was basically following a plan by David Roche.  That worked well, but I decided that I want to keep mileage a little higher going into a race. I used this approach with Desert Solstice.  Although DS didn't go well, I don't think it was my taper plan that was the problem. I did cut out yoga the week of the race and I think that was a mistake. I go almost every day so I think not going left me feeling really tight. In the future I won't cut back on yoga.
 
I was feeling tired in the afternoon and decided to take a nap, but ended up sleeping longer than I thought. I should have gone for a run, but I just didn't feel like it. I took a shower, had a coffee and a snack. I figured I would run plenty tomorrow. I listened to the podcast I have been listening to over and over again since Desert Solstice. It’s an Outside Podcast called Sweat Science: Loving the Pain. I love this because it talks about doing what you love now. And obviously about pain and human endurance. 

​Friday:
I am trying to go into ATY really chill. It’s really just a training run and the chance to make a go at a decent 100 mile time. I was feeling fine until the car ride. Suddenly I was really nervous. If you don’t know anything about ATY, it’s a little over a mile loop. We decided to park on the backside of the loop and use a small table to put my stuff on that I would be using. It wasn’t much. Squirrels Nut Butter, portable chargers for later in the day a couple changes of clothes and my running vest.  Norm and I had a bit of a squabble when we were parking. 
 
Despite this, the day started off well and went will for most of the day. A few miles before mile 50, two problems developed. I just totally lost interest in running 100 miles. I was bored. The other problem was I was starving! I had tried to up the amount I was eating at the aid station, but it wasn’t helping. At mile 51 I walked with Cheryl Miller for a bit to tell her that I was feeling like I didn't care about running 100 miles. Maybe I just didn't care enough to keep going. She told me I was just tired and I was doing great, just keep going. But really other than being super hungry, I felt fine. 
 
I decided to keep going to 60 miles. For 10 miles all I could think about was how hungry I was. My pace was dropping a bit. I think the hunger was leading to a lack of energy. Combined with a loss of interest I just was having trouble making myself go. I stopped and talked to Norm. I told him I just needed to eat a lot of food. I couldn't think about anything but In and Out Burger. I decided 61 miles was a good training run and with Black Canyon 100K on the horizon I want to be sure I can keep training. 
 
We packed up and headed to In and Out Burger. We stopped at Baskin Robbins on the way home. All the things I don't eat so I'll pay for this tomorrow.
 

​Sunday:
My favorite yoga teacher is back from vacation and the hip hop yoga class on Sunday is my favorite class. I slept in a bit. Not hard to do at all because I was feeling very lazy. I’m at 100 miles for the week so I am taking today off from running.
 
In the end, I am totally fine with my day at ATY. It was a solid run. I also think I have learned that maybe if I want to run 100 miles I need to a point to point course and not loops. I always thought I would like loops better, but I think being able to pick up a pacer that is forced to keep me company might help. But 100 mile races are really freaking expensive so maybe not. 
 
I also know I need to figure out the food thing. I had gotten myself to a place were I could run a lot of miles on very little calories. After taking so much time off due to the ankle injury, that isn't the case any more. I think I can get back there, but it going to take some time. It’s good to know this going into Black Canyon so I am prepared with more food than I would normally eat.

Monday:
10 miles done today.  That's all I know. I didn't write anything down. 
 
Tuesday:
9  miles done and my average pace is coming down. I am able to run under 8 min mile and feel like that is easy pace. I ran a couple miles at race pace. I wish that felt easier than it does. But over all I am happy with they way my body is responding to training. I will finish the week with 70 miles and I don't recommend that you go from zero to 70 miles in 5 weeks. But so far, so good here. The goal is to continue to ramp it up and finish with at least one 100 mile week before I taper for Desert Solstice. 
 
 
Wednesday:
I was dragging during this run. (Later I would start to have symptoms of this terrible cold that Ava has had for a few days.) I got my ten miles done. Zach Bitter went flying past me 3 different times. The first time I saw him he was with Nicole, but I never saw here again so not sure what he did with her body. (Just a joke, I am sure she is fine.) 
 
I started to really go downhill during the afternoon. My poor students I tutor in the evening had to listen to me blow my nose for 2 hours.  I came home, ate, took cold medicine and went to bed at 7:45. I am really frustrated to be getting sick. Just yesterday I was finally feeling like my old self when it came to running and today I felt like a sloth. And I can't lose any days to being sick. Desert Solstice is only getting closer.  
 
We didn't hand out candy because we all are so sick and we don't usually get many kids. But I was mildly worried that my house would get egged. It wouldn't be the first time.
 
Thursday: 
I slept eleven and a half hours after taking cold medicine with a side of wine. I know, not a great idea, but a guarantee that I will get some solid sleep. I heard nothing!
 
In my cold medicine haze (that would happen with or without the wine) I finally got myself out the door to get some miles done. Eight miles was the plan but I left just hoping to get 4 miles done. I was surprised that I was able to drag myself to 6 miles. 
 
Friday:
Up at 5am for yoga. Because candle lighting is so early now I have to go at 5am if I want to go to yoga. The good news is that this cold seems to have passed really quickly for me, while everyone else in my house is still struggling with it.  Thank G-d because I was super stressed about being sick and losing days from training. I came back, ate breakfast (a mix of peanuts. Cocoa dusted almonds and raisins that I make myself, graded some scholarship applications for the community college and went for an 8-mile run. I was running well until I got a side cramp I could not get rid of. So after 5 miles I had to slow it down so I could make it home. Back home to shower, shop for Shabbat dinner and head to work. At the last minute I remembered I had not sent my newsletter for the week for kindergarten so I hurriedly got that done while having lunch (left over roasted potatoes and half an avocado). 
 
My 20-mile run is looming large tomorrow. Although somehow I forgot to buy any nutrition to take on the run with me so I hid a mini snickers bar in the freezer. 
 
Here is a sample of the kind of conversations I am forced to have at my house.
 
Enzo: Can I have this bread?
Me: No the challa is for Shabbat dinner.
Enzo: I’m Shabbat to starve to death!
I just sigh and tell him to go away.
 
Shul was packed full tonight. I was able to follow along a little better. And I saw someone I knew and she gave me a big hug. Back home for dinner. Every week we make the same joke. After you wash for bread you can't talk until you eat bread. But Ava can't eat bread because she can't have gluten. So every week after Norm makes the bracha and we eat some Challa someone always says “and Ava can never talk again.” Poor Ava. 
 
For dinner we did make your own pizza. It was yummy!
 
Saturday:
It’s been a long time since I have run anything close to 20 miles so I was a little concerned about how this was going to go. Of course I forgot about my candy bar in the freezer. And I also forgot that my daughter had given me a small bag of peanut m&m’s. So I took a bag of Skratch chews that may or may not have been expired. The print was really small and couldn't read it. I decided not to look at my watch at all and just run comfortable. Since I still haven't bought a new watchstrap from when Hank it my watch this is easy to do. I just put my watch in my water bottle pouch. 
 
I also did not think about the fact that my body isn't as adapted to being a long distance runner as it used to be. I had got myself to a place where I could run a lot of miles on very few calories because that works well for my stomach. By 9 miles I was starving. I ate half of the possibly expired chews and threw the rest in the trash so I wouldn’t have to keep carrying them. I would really regret this later.  
 
Other than being hungry, the run went really well. My pace was pretty consistent. I ended at 19 miles because I was tired of trying to run in circles to get to 20 miles and at 19 miles I happen to be right in front of my house. Ava had never seen The Shining so we drank coke and ate popcorn and watched the movie. 
 
In theory it’s Shabbat and I shouldn't be doing any thing of these things. I have read about the running thing and if I am running for pleasure only than I can run, but I am not allowed to carry so that would mean no watch, no water bottle, no food.  I am kind of making my own rules for what works for me on Shabbos. I don't work so it’s a great day for a long run and lying around after. I do use my phone, but no emails. I stick to games and some texting. Obviously I am watching tv. But I am the only one observing Shabbat in any form (even if it isn't complete) so the tv is going to be on anyways. For us it just works to use it as a time to hang out and be with each other. No grocery shopping, no cleaning. Just one day to hang and chill.
 
Sunday:
I have been sleeping so well, but I am really stressed about money so I woke up at 2 am and couldn't fall back asleep. At 6am I turned off my alarm and went back to sleep.  I woke up at 7am and debated running in the afternoon. In the end I got out the door for my 7 mile run. I started out feeling like my legs were made of lead, but after a few miles I felt better.  I was short on mileage and needed to run past my house and up the street. Right when I went by he house Norm came out the door with the dogs. As soon as Pasta saw me she sprinted after me. I ended my run to walk her back to the house. I end the week with 69.3 miles, just short of my 70-mile goal. 
 
I finished the morning with my favorite yoga class.  Come join me sometime at hip hop yoga with harmony (she likes it spelled lower case). It’s a hard class, but so much fun and lots of good energy.
 
The next three weeks are going to be really tough training so no one is allowed to stress me out. It will be these weeks that tell me where my fitness is and what the plan for Desert Solstice will be, will it be Goal A or Goal B?

Warning: Norm did not proof read this so it is probably full of errors in grammar and spelling. Read at your own risk!

Did I tell you about Henry? We hadn’t been home from Colorado very long and I was taking the trash out on a rainy day. And there was a little teeny tiny turtle on my driveway. So freaking cute! Not afraid of people at all. We found out he is a desert tortoise hatchling so we read up and Norm created him a little habitat on the side of the house where the dogs never go. And now we have the cutest little friend in the world!  I really felt like he was a gift from G-d to cheer me up. I was feeling so down but that silly little turtle appeared out of nowhere and makes me so happy. 

​We also took in a foster dog. His mom was hit by a car and is in rehab. The dog had ended up at the shelter and the lovely people at rehab (my friend Lindsey is one of them) got the dog out of the shelter (which was a bit of a situation) and had been rotating him around all the nurses to manage care for him. Lindsey asked if I would be willing to foster. She probably figured that I have 6 dogs and wouldn't really notice one more small one. He is so cute! His name is Snoopy and he is a handful, but so cute that you forgive him for it. Because Hank needs about 6 month to get use a new dog Snoopy is staying in the back of the house so I don't see him as much as I would like.  But my two youngest are taking good care of him while simultaneously being tortured by him but also finding him adorable. Pasta and Snoopy play really well together. It’s funny to watch them because one is so much bigger than the other.

Monday:
Isn’t it awesome when you think you have 10 miles on the schedule and you find out that you only have 8 miles! 
 
Tuesday:
I didn't write today and I don't remember anything about this. I ran 8 miles and that is all I know.
 
Wednesday:
I headed out onto the trail and ended up running 10 miles because it was so beautiful and the trails were pretty empty. 
 
Thursday:
I go to 6am yoga on Thursday because it’s my favorite teacher. The plan was to get out hair cut in the morning and I would run in the afternoon, but our stylist had to reschedule so I got my run done in the morning. But this almost meant legs felt a little dead after yoga. I just did an easy 5 miles and called it a day. I am a little concerned about being able to run 18 miles this weekend so no need to push it on the mileage now. 
 
It’s my favorite time of the year! Javelina Jundred time! Not because I am racing. Dear G-d no! It is always so hot. And this year is no exception. The weather has been beautiful and now it’s over 90 degrees just in time for race day. It’s my favorite time of year because my family all works the race and they tell me the funniest stories. Enzo has already been out there for 2 days and it cracking me up every night at dinner. 
 
Friday:
I was only going to run 5 miles but I was feeling so good and the weather was so nice that I ran 10 miles. I will probably totally regret this decision tomorrow during my 20 mile run. 
 
 
Saturday:
I clearly was not thinking when I planned a long run in a Saturday when Norm would not be home. Norm is working long and early shifts at Javelina Jundred. So I had to sleep on a futon with two dogs. When I got up I had to walk two dogs. I got out the door late and didn't have enough time to run 20 miles before I had to be back to take Brandi to work (because Enzo is also working Javelina and took her car this morning). I ran 10 miles and did a bit of practicing running what will be race pace. It felt okay. 
 
I had planned to spend the day hanging out at Javelina, but I am not in the mood to socialize. And I really should finish my dissertation corrections. So I spent the day working on my dissertation.
 
Sunday:
Norm left here around 2am to head back to Javelina Jundred for work. He put Hank in is crate and of course Hank started crying. I let him out of the crate and he proceeded to bark his head off all night. When it was time to get up I struggled. By the time I pulled myself up to sitting I had a very short amount of time to get the dogs walked and have coffee before I needed to leave for my run. I didn't want to miss my favorite yoga class. 
 
I started out on a ten-mile run and was happy to realize while running that I only needed 9 miles to get to 60 miles for the week. So, I didn't get a ling run done this weekend, but I did still meet my weekly mileage goal.
 
Since I talked so much about converting last week I feel like I can’t ignore the shooting at Pittsburgh. I do look at my phone during Shabbat so I turned on the news. Even before this happened I have thought a lot about hate towards the Jewish people. Because I have been teaching in Jewish schools for many years now, it is something that I think about. But let’s face it, as a teacher and a professor, I am always thinking about safety during the day. It was also something I gave a lot of thought to as I considered converting. I had to ask myself, am I willing to make myself a target of anger because I am Jewish? Every time we put a menorah in the window during Chanukah I wonder, are we making ourselves a target? A lot has been made about the statement that armed guards would make a difference. At Congregation Beth Israel we have an armed police officer at service. Norm and I were talking about it last night and I said, what would the officer do if someone with a gun showed up? He is a very nice man. Always has a smile and says hello when I see him at services. He isn't standing with his gun drawn. If you looked “normal” walking up, I feel like you could shoot before the officer could react. I know it's not just Jewish synagogue’s being targeted. I don’t think any of us, regardless of belief, should need armed guards to go to service, or the school or the grocery store. We can be different, we should be different, but we should be respectful and no one should tolerate hate or violence. 

​I am finally back running in what I am calling the couch to Desert Solstice training plan. I know that a lot of people are wondering why things didn't work out with Colorado. Unfortunately, I don't really want to talk about it. It was all things beyond my control and I ended suffering from terrible depression. I sat one night listening to my kids laughing and wondering if I would miss them if I killed myself and that was the low point. I loved living in Colorado, I loved my students and families at the school in Norwood, but it was clear we needed to come back to Phoenix. I am starting to feel a little better so I really would like to move on from that and not talk about it. I also don't want to talk about it because what was going wrong involves a lot of other people and while I am comfortable telling everything about myself and talking about Norm, I am not comfortable talking about other people. Maybe I will tell the whole story one day, but not today. For now I am just focusing on the fact that HaShem makes every thing happen for a reason and coming home has worked out well for us. Norm went back to work at the same two places he worked before pretty much immediately. I ended up going to back to teaching in the Chabad community but in Chandler. I am teaching kindergarten at the Chandler Jewish Preschool. 
 
I also want to give you fair warning that the next 18 weeks might have a lot of talk about converting to Judaism. If you ever wondered, “is she or isn't she… Kristina Pham doesn’t sound very Jewish” I am not. I have thought about it off and for most of my adult life, but it wasn’t until about 4 years ago that I started practicing and seriously considering converting. I feel like I have been very fortunate to be part of the Chabad community and that it has helped me to become a better person, but on the flip side I know that Orthodox conversion is not for me. Because of that I am going through classes offered by the Union for Reform Judaism. I know that some people will not consider my conversion “real” or “proper” but that’s okay, I think in the end it’s between me and G-d.  I had my first class last week and I know that I am doing the right thing for me. 
 
As for running, my weeks leading up to moving back to Phoenix weren’t great weeks. My mileage was any where from 0 to 13 for the week. Things didn't really turn around just because we moved back to Phoenix. I was still battling some pretty heavy depression.  I didn't just move back and everything was instantly better. It took a little time for me to pull myself together. Part of that was just handing off everything Norm. I am usually the one that takes care of all the problems, but I just can't do it right now. I need to stick my head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening. 
 
When I finally did go back to running I had a week of good running and all of the sudden I couldn't walk on my foot. I took a week off from running (but kept going to yoga). I even bought a new pair of shoes even though the last thing I had money for was a new pair of shoes. Poor Lisa Kravetiz and Melissa Ruse were just minding their own business when Lisa asked how Colorado was and I lost it. So if you ever need shoes and a little emotional support, I recommend iRun. My foot was a bit iffy and I was a little pissed that the new shoes didn't solve the problem. But I rolled it on a frozen water bottle and golf ball a few times a day and before I knew it I was as good as new. 
 
I struggled for 2 weeks to run 40 miles. I have to keep reminding myself that going from super low mileage (like sometimes no mileage) to 40 miles a week is a lot. But Desert Solstice is looming. And patience isn't really one of my talents. 
 
Monday:
I left the house with terrible cramps. If you think I am going to talk about my period, I am sorry to disappoint. These were just random, fun, for no reason at all, lady cramps.  Funny side story, when I started teaching in Norwood one of the families told me they had read my blog. For one thing it is creepy and also impressive that they took the time to do that. And for another thing, all I could think about in that moment was all the times I talked about my period. Okay, so back to Monday. I really didn’t think I would get very far but my body felt good. I mean the cramps were annoying, but the running me felt good. I just kept running. I kept thinking, maybe another mile. And before I knew it I was at 7 miles and decided it might be smart to turn around. I was worried I would be walking home. I didn't even carry water with me. I also did not use enough Squirrel’s Nut Butter because I had some serious chaffing. But I did it! It was slow and easy, but I ran 14 miles. 
 
I am back at hot yoga at Madison Improvement Club. I might not ever be able to move away because I love this place so much! Other than my Jewish community, it was the one thing I really missed about Phoenix. I went to yoga at 6pm thinking I would feel like I was going to die, but I felt great. 
 
In conversion class I have become the spokesperson for Orthodox Judaism. This will be interesting over the remaining 16 weeks.  I am not exactly an expert. But also, Orthodox Judaism is a big umbrella. For sure there are some groups of Orthodox Jews that do some shit I am not down with at all! I don't even agree with everything at Chabad, but I can only speak to my experience, which has been really positive and valuable to me. 
 
Tuesday:
I don't have a training plan at the moment. I set a goal for the week, but am just letting my body dictate what happens. I thought an easy 6 miles would be more than enough today, but I felt pretty good. And the weather was beautiful. It was cool and cloudy. And the trails were empty. So I ended up running 8 miles. An hour later I was in a 90-minute hot yoga class hoping I didn't die, but again I felt great. I am feeling pretty happy with my body right now. I am hopeful that I have reached a turning point and my body is ready to start training. I am just focusing on mileage in October. The plan is to get 50 miles done at the end of the week. For a lot of people 50 miles sounds like a lot, but I feel like 50 miles is so low. I am trying really hard to be patient.
 
 
Wednesday:
Today I am substitute teaching for the Hebrew teacher at the kindergarten. I tutor 2 students from my old school right after work. It’s going to be a long day! I decided to take the day off from running and hit an early morning yoga class. Yoga starts at 6am. I always feel like I might fall back asleep during the beginning meditation. The kindergartners were exhausting. Small people really do not like a change in their routine and they were not impressed with my pathetic Hebrew pronunciations. Tutoring was amazing though! We are doing a lesson on the Pied Piper and why it is probably based on a true story. So fun! I love writing curriculum. 
 
Thursday:
I am substituting again today. I always go to 6am yoga on Thursday because it is my favorite teacher. The plan was a small run after work but it took me an hour and 20 minutes to get home from Chandler. I was exhausted, hungry and in no mood when I finally got home. No running. 
 
I have to figure out how to make peace with this commute. First, I hate driving. So driving at rush hour in Phoenix is like my worst nightmare. Yeah Phoenix, you suck! Where we were living in Colorado, people typically stick pretty close to the speed limit and no one is aggressive or pressuring you to drive faster. When that did happen, it was usually a person with Arizona plates. And if you are thinking, “well go back to Colorado if it is so great”, trust me, I would if I could. Second, I can't sit for that long. I want to climb out of my skin. I could make a lot more money if I left teaching, but it’s not just my love of teaching that keeps me in the classroom. I would be miserable at a desk all day. I would never survive. I need to move, I need change, I need the exact life I have built for myself. 
 
Friday:
We need to order a mattress, but we don't have the money for a mattress so I am sleeping on the couch in the den and Norm is sleeping on camping mattresses in our room. (to the lady who couldn't understand why I don't care about not sitting with my husband at services, see we don't even sleep in the same room so not sitting together in Shul is not a big deal.) But I am not sleeping. The $80 futon we have from Ikea is not the most comfortable and Enzo is up at all hours of the night. I guess I forgot to teach him how to close a door without slamming it! People are using Central as a drag racing strip waking me up at least once a night. PS – City of Phoenix, I know I live in the poor neighborhood but would it be too much to ask for you to do a little policing? 
 
So, the point is, I am exhausted and I did not get up to go to 6am yoga. This has now left me with a dilemma. If I go to 4:30pm yoga, I won't make it home in time for candle lighting. I know some people just light candles whenever and I know that I am not observing all the 613 Halacha. Some are easy, I don't have any fields or cattle and I am not going to eat a worm in the fruit, even without being told. Others, I am just choosing not to observe. But for some reason, not lighting at candle lighting makes me feel really guilty. Norm says maybe because it's something I know I can do, where as keeping kosher I can't because my family won't cooperate. I take my yoga clothes with me when I leave because I can’t decide what to do.
 
If you are only reading this to know more about my running and couldn't care less about the rest of it, I did run 10 miles.
 
Since my Chabad Rabbi isn’t going to sponsor me for conversion, I need a sponsor. I am meeting with the Rabbi leading my classes to talk about her possibly sponsoring me. I really like her. Rabbi Mason-Barkin is warm, funny, and lovely to talk with. She asked a bunch of questions and I answered a bunch of questions. It was a good talk. She asked why I wanted to convert. She asked about my practice of Judaism. We talked about why I wasn’t seeking an Orthodox conversion. In the end, she told me she couldn't sponsor me right now because she wanted me to do some soul searching and make sure that I wouldn’t feel like I wasn’t really Jewish if I didn't have an Orthodox conversion and think about how I would feel to not have my conversion recognized by Chabad. A friend said, “they have to say no 3 times, right?” but that is not true in Reform and she even told us on the first day she doesn't believe in that practice. So no, this wasn’t my first of three rejections.  I don't think she was saying no, never. I think she was just saying no to right now, but I left feeling really dejected. The wind was definitely out of my sails. I try so hard. I daven 3 times a day. I try to follow what the Rebbe says. I read the Parsha. I wash and daven for Hamotzi (it helps to be gluten free because that bentching prayer is like 10 minutes long). I try to be careful about covering (except when I am running, so just look away). So I left that meeting with the feeling that I am trying so hard and no one wants me. I fit in nowhere.
 
I decided not to go to yoga. I would feel too guilty. But I got home with 40 minutes to candle lighting and the kitchen was a disaster and the traffic had left me on edge. I decided to go to Shul at the reform temple. I have to try 3 different places during the conversion class so no time like the present. I sat in the back. It was okay. A little hard to follow, but okay. I hear the Rabbi say to rise, but I must have missed the next part because I was trying to figure out where we were in the Siddur and I didn't have my glasses on so I was having a hard time reading and I look up and everyone is facing the back except me. That means that everyone is looking at me not turned around to welcome Shabbat like a bride. I quickly turn around. I still have no idea where we are in the Siddur. I try to reach in my bag and fish out my glasses and end up dropping everything while everyone is still facing me. I am beyond mortified. We move on, turn around and sit down but I am still having trouble following things. Then people are bowing and I am not sure when to bow. In the Chabad Siddur there are instructions for everything, You cannot mess it up! There are no instructions in this Siddur at all. We sit back down. They are davening again. I have no clue where we are at in the Siddur and I can tell I am about to start crying so I get up and leave. Probably not a good time to make an exit, but I had to go before I had a full on panic attack. 
 
I had stormed out of the house earlier and told everyone to eat with out me and forget about Shabbat. But they waited and had everything set up to make Kiddish before dinner. Norm did his best to read transliterated Hebrew and then listened to my story. Sometimes my family knows what to do for me. Sometimes. 
 
It’s bothersome to feel like I don't fit in. Not just in this area, but because I feel like this is my story in all areas of my life. In the running community, I feel like in live in no mans land. People who are slower than me never want to run with me because I am too fast. Faster people never want to run with me because…well I don't know why, but I haven't really made friends in that” people who win races “community. (I am trying very hard to not use the term elite because it is so elitist. See the problem.). I don't feel like I have a place in my family. My parents have much younger kids and I live far away and I know my parents love me, but I just don't feel like I have a place there. I am far away, I have much different beliefs, I am not a part of “it”. Norm and I love each other and even feel pretty lusty toward each other, but we don't really have a lot in common. And now the conversion thing. I just always feel very on my own. Probably my own fault, but still not a great feeling.
 
Saturday:
I slept in because I am tired from not sleeping and tired from the emotional onslaught of Friday. When I finally left to run it was 8am. And it was warm. I took some cookies from last night with me just in case I ran out of energy. I wanted to get 12 miles done. At mile 8 I decided I just wanted to run faster and ran a 6:45 pace for a mile. It felt good, but I was ready to slow it down. At mile 10 I picked it up to 6:40 pace again. Definitely felt harder to hold pace. Also I was starting to chaff the one place I didn't have any Squirrel’s Nut Butter. I forced myself to not cut it short with 11 miles and actually run the 12 miles. Today is the first day that I can feel it in my legs. They feel tired and achy. I feel tired, but not achy. I am at 44 miles for the week, which means I should make it to my goal of 50 miles this week. Oh, and I didn't eat the cookies. 
 
Sunday:
I only needed to run 6 miles today but when I started I wasn’t sure I would make it 6 feet. My legs were feeling dead. I took it nice and easy. But I have to admit I am a little concerned about being ready for Desert Solstice.  Everything was gong fine until some young, hard body college age kids started flying at me on the bridle path. Not wanting to look like an old person I pushed the pace and when I was finally past all of them thought I might die on the side of Central. Slow and easy the last mile home and with that I have 50 miles for the week!
 
When I got to yoga the class was full and I couldn't hide in the back. I got stuck in the middle row which means that everyone can see you all of the time! Luckily my yoga game was strong. Yes I like yoga for the flexibility and the workout. And I like it for the relaxation. But I also like it because it forces me to be in a position where I have to concentrate and focus only on what I am doing and nothing else. It often requires that I push beyond what I think I can do. I think the focus and calm determination practice in yoga serves me well in my running. While Brandi was coloring my hair I texted Hayley about my fluctuations between you can do this and you can so NOT do this. (Hayley is currently the only person other than Norm who knows my goal.) Her advice was basically to go for it. 
 
There is a quote I keep on my desk by Tom Peters (big wig business guy).

​Brandi and I sometimes go to Elevate Yoga downtown for aerial yoga. Our favorite is the relaxation class. Tonight we went to a special relaxation and Reiki class. I have been looking forward to this for 2 days! It was amazing except for the one position that made my allergies go crazy for some reason. Brandi told me later she thought I was crying. They are in a new studio. They used to be in a shared space with a architecture firm, which sounds weird, but I kinda loved it. I came home to finish work on my dissertation and ended up finishing watching season 1 of I’m Sorry. If you like completely inappropriate humor you need to watch this show. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. 

​I ran the Aravaipa Whiskey Basin 31K today. It was a training run because I haven't run much since I fell at RUFA. And I haven’t been on trail at all. I know better than to race when I am stressed, but honestly I don't think I realized how stressed I am until I started running. From the get go it was a shit show. I felt like I was having an asthma attack, I’ve never had one but I imagine it would be like this. In reality and in retrospect, I was having a panic attack.
 
To back up a little bit, I had applied for two jobs in Colorado while I was there for Running Up for Air.  We have been going to Colorado for the last 4 or 5 years for a month or so. Every time we stay a little longer. I would love to move there permanently, but I have always been really happy at work in Phoenix and didn't want to move and end up at a job that I hate.
 
If you have been following along you know that I am terribly unhappy at the elementary school. I already told them I am not returning next school year.  But changing jobs isn't that easy. I have always taught at private schools and never needed a teaching certificate. Colorado has really strict policies and even if you are looking at private schools, pretty much everyone wants a teaching certificate.  There also don't seem to be many openings, okay, any opening for a psychology professor. Yes, I could take a different type of position, but I love teaching and I know I am good at it.  
 
I was recently one of three adjunct professors at my college to be awarded the adjunct faculty of the year award. I am passionate about teaching and curriculum development. I love it! I love planning new and exciting lessons. I love coming up with fun projects. I enjoy working with students where they are at and finding ways to fit the education to their needs and abilities. So, it’s a really bummer to think about leaving teaching. 

​So, while I was sitting in bed unable to move around much with a bum knee I looked for jobs. I found two summer jobs. One in Telluride and one in Breckenridge. My two favorite places in Colorado. Working during the summer would kind of suck because I enjoy the time off just running and hanging out with my friends and family. But, if I can make some money this summer maybe I won't have to work two jobs next school year. Or maybe I can use these jobs as a way to make a permanent move to Colorado.
 
Driving home on Sunday night I received an email from the job in Breckenridge. They wanted to know if I could come for an interview on Thursday at 1pm. I was off for Pesach from the elementary school, but I would have to figure out what to do about my classes at the community college. Maybe if I could go for the interview on Friday that would work better. I needed time to think and I was too tired to write a response.  On Monday morning before going to work I sent to a message asking if it would be possible to meet on Friday.
 
Driving to work I ran over something in the road. I kinda knew I had a flat tire, but tried to pretend it wasn’t true. Unfortunately that isn’t the kind of thing that you can pretend away. I told myself to pull over before I got on the highway, but I ignored myself. I found myself sitting on the side of the highway with a flat tire.  I called Norm to tell him where I was so he could come help me out.
 
When I was done teaching I checked my phone messages and found out that the job in Telluride had called and wanted to interview me over the phone.
 
The next couple of days became a whirlwind of trying to figure out when I could get to Colorado that would work with the schedule of the people who needed to interview me.  At the last minute I was getting an oil change and making hotel reservations. I decided to drive to Grand Junction on Wednesday and finish the drive to Breckenridge on Thursday. Of course I was taking Rhatsa with me. I had told the job in Telluride that I could come down and meet with them on Friday. They were meant to email me about a meeting, but I never heard anything so we decided to stay in the Breckenridge area until Saturday. Originally just Brandi was going to go with me, but at the last minute Enzo decided to go also.
 
We left on Wednesday morning. We stopped at Whole Foods in Flagstaff and bought stale sandwiches. Be warned, the sandwiches available at 9am are stale sandwiches from the day before. We also stopped at Sand Island so Rhatsa could walk around.
 
We picked up dinner before heading to the hotel in Grand Junction. I was looking forward to a good nights sleep. Too bad that isn't what happened. I slept funny on my neck and woke up with the worst neck pain going down into my shoulder blade. It was like hot daggers going down my back. Plus, I could barely turn my neck. This wasn’t great for an interview. I went to Starbucks to get coffee and came back to shower and get ready for my interview. When we left the hotel we stopped at the grocery store to get some food for the kids and a lint roller for my clothes because Rhasta was shedding everywhere. This is one of her very few undesirable qualities.
 
We drive the 3 hours to Breckenridge, locate the museum, but struggle to find the parking lots suggested to me. I ended up going to the rec center to park only to discover that I can't take Rhatsa out of the car there. I ate a little food and had the kids take me back to the museum and drop me off. They went to find free parking and walk Rhatsa around for a bit.
 
The interview seemed to go really well. But I was also a little confused. It seemed like I had the job, but no one actually said, “you’re hired” or “do you want the job?” I called my mom and asked her what she made of the conversation.  I called Norm and asked him what he made of the conversation. I called the kids to find out where they were at and made my way to meet them at them. They had they let Rhatsa play around in a field and she loved the snow. We went to get coffee, at Starbucks of course and headed to the hotel to see if we could check in early. Later we went to get groceries for the hotel room. Enzo and I are trying to eat healthy because we are both on diets.  I sent a thank you note to see if I could figure out if I was hired our not.
 
It had started snowing on Thursday night and when I woke up on Friday it was a beautiful blanket of snow. We had breakfast, took the dog for a walk and realized we still had a really long day ahead of us.  Enzo and I went to the hotel gym to work out. At first I was just walking on a steep incline, but decided to try some running. It felt okay. I went back to walking. I was listening to music on my phone when a lady came in with her kid. My music was decidedly not kid friendly and there is no headphone jack on the iPhone X so I ran the last part pretty fast just to be finished.
 
Late in the afternoon I received a text message from someone from the job I had applied for in Telluride. They wanted to know if I was available to meet. I had never heard back and so we did not go to Telluride, we were still in Frisco. I explained that maybe there was a miscommunication, but I wasn’t in Telluride. I never really heard anything back and assumed they were annoyed and no longer interested. Later I would learn that I had accidentally been left off of the email that discussed meeting with me.
 
I don't know what we did with the rest of the day. We watched TV, we played yahtzee, we checked the weather over and over again hopeful that the snow would stop and we would get a window for leaving that didn't involve snow chains. 

​Saturday morning we watch the news, we check Colorado Department of Transportation on twitter and their website. It wasn’t looking good. We pack up. The news guy says that travel restrictions have been lifted, but the website doesn't confirm this. The kids go put the snow chains on the car. Thank G-d Brandi was paying attention because she was the only one who knew what to do. I would have been zero help. I had already forgotten everything that Norm had said.
 
The kids said that everyone who came out of the hotel was asking if they needed snow chains. No, we just like to drive really slowly on metal chains for no good reason! Of course as soon as we got down the high way a bit (with everyone speeding past us) the sign requiring chains was no longer flashing. We pulled over as soon as possible and took the chains off. And by we I mean Brandi.
 
Back home I started talking to Norm about moving to Summit County for the summer.  From this point on, let me be clear that this is my recollection of what happened and Norm may not agree with my side of things. In the first conversations Norm was pretty clear that he would not go with me for the summer. I was trying to talk to him about looking for a summer job or even a permanent year round job, but he wasn’t interested. He was very supportive of me going and told me he thought it was a great opportunity for me.  At some point I started to feel like my husband was trying to break up with me. It seemed like he was happy about the prospect of us not being together. When I tried to talk to him Norm just seemed to get angry with me. Again, from my perspective, when you tell someone that it seems like they don't want to be with you any more and they say things like “I don't know how to respond to that” followed by a long silence and seem to be angry it kinda feels like they don't want to be with you any more. It wouldn't surprise me. I am not that great of wife. I am selfish, constantly stressed, demanding, just a real joy to be with.  I am constantly telling Norm I will try to be a better wife, but my efforts don't last long. At this point I should say that Norm is adamant that he is not trying to break up with me. I said okay. I think at this point we have made a truce, but neither of us actually believes the other person believes us.
 
So here we are. I am going to Breckenridge and Norm will stay here. Ava and Sinjin will go with me. Norm says he will come visit. It’s not that I can't go alone, but I would rather have him with me. And in the end, I hope that I am able to move up to Colorado permanently. I am not sure what would happen if that becomes the case.
 
You can probably see why I was stressed. I kept turning everything over in my head. If I take this job I will be basically working to pay my rent. I won’t be making any extra money. Which is fine, but also we have so many things we need to take care. Norm’s car is a shit show. It’s going to be a pain to deal with Sinjin and his braces from Breckenridge when the orthodontist is in Phoenix. You know, maybe the whole idea is stupid.
 
Back to the race. At about mile 3 some girl passed me. Now I just start beating myself up. I start reminding myself of all the bad choices I have made and telling myself that I don't deserve good things. That’s why I won't win this race. That’s why I am not as good of a runner as I would like to be. This is why I can't move to Colorado. I am still struggling to run. I keep praying for an aid station so I can drop. Or maybe Albert would catch up to me and I could run with him and chat. I couldn't be alone with my head anymore. But the only aid station was at mile 9.5 (ish) and it wasn’t an aid station you could drop at and get out any time soon. At about mile 10 I come up on the girl who had passed me kneeling on the ground. She has taken a nasty fall. I stopped and asked if she was oaky and if I could help. She said she was okay and was maybe going to walk a bit. I took off running for my life. Maybe I could still win. Maybe I could still break the course record. Earlier the girl had told me she wasn’t a good down hill runner so I ran those down hills as fast as I possibly could to put some distance. I felt terrible that she had fallen, but I had take advantage of the moment.  I really don't think I would have caught her if she hadn't fallen. I missed the CR by about a minute and a half. I ran 2:44:16. I won a huge bottle of whiskey.
 

​A few weeks back I got super excited about this race in Colorado and despite not being sure I could afford to travel, I signed up. I figured worst case scenario I would get to try out cold weather camping. I tried to run pretty conservative at Crown King because I really wanted at a good day at Running Up for Air Colorado.
 
I wanted to leave early on Thursday morning. I got a sub for my class at the community college and even skipped my favorite yoga teacher’s class. I was up at 5am and we were out the door at 6:15am. Norm and I took Rhasta with us so the kids wouldn't have to deal with the Rhasta/Hank situation.  We had a 13 hour drive to Evergreen, CO and I didn't want to get there in the middle of the night. We always end up getting someplace super late with no time to go shopping so we wake up in the morning with no coffee or food. My idea of hell.
 
We stopped in Bluff, Utah at Sand Island. I needed to get some miles done and I had always wanted to stop there. It isn't exactly big enough for a decent run, but it was super cool.  I ran down a road and down toward the river. I was able to go under the highway to the other side. On this side there was a dirt road to run on, but I didn't go very far because I wasn’t sure if it was private property or not. I headed back to where I came from and passed where we had parked down a road that lead to campsites. At the ends of this road there was a trail. It was a nice smooth trail that took me past some petroglyphs. I think this is the first time I have seen real petroglyphs. It was so cool. Here is this thing created so many years ago and you are looking at it. Plus how cool is it to think there were people living here. It was this moment of feeling tiny and insignificant but at the same time totally connected.  I ran down to the water again and through the water. Slow running and not much distance, but a ton of fun. Rhatsa, still not a huge fan of Norm, was not thrilled I left her with him but they walked a bit and played in the water. 

​I can't keep track of this whole time change thing so when we got back in the car I was totally confused. How could it have taken me so long to run such a short distance? But I realized it was a time difference when I saw my phone and car displayed different times.  We stopped in Moab for coffee and we were back on the road.
 
I don't remember how this happened, but when we got to Grand Junction I realized there was bad weather on Vail Pass. We stopped at a park to let Rhasta walk around and figure out what was going on. In a matter of a few minutes it went from bad weather to Vail Pass is closed with no estimated time for reopening. I call Enzo and ask him to look at a weather map. His response, “you know all of Colorado, yeah it's all getting snowed on.” Great.  We considered different routes. All would add like 5 hours to our drive time. We decided to buy snow chains and head towards Vail. We stop at Wal-mart, no chains. I call the auto part store and yes, they have them. The guy asks what size my tires are? “Uhm…teeny tiny,” I reply. We eat Chipotle and go buy snow chains. I tell Norm not to spend a lot of money because we could just stay in a hotel in Grand Junction and finish the drive on Friday morning. I guess we have different ideas of what a lot of money is because snow chains cost us $75. Which isn’t really a lot of money, but it is if you live in Phoenix and never see snow.  As we leave Grand Junction I keep thinking, “we should return those and stay in a hotel.” But instead of saying something, I quietly seethe from the passenger seat. We keep driving.
 
I’m not sure why Norm didn't put the chains on when we stopped outside Vail for gas, but he didn’t. We are on I-70 and we pass the chain up area and see the sign that flashes when you need to chain up. Norm says, “We waited too long.” I don’t know what he means by we? I don't even want to be part of this situation. Norm pulls over on the side of highway.  Here we are freezing our ass off on the side of the highway trying to learn how to put chains on the tire in the dark.  Oh, did I forget to mention that neither of us has any idea how to do this? After trying and getting really frustrated Norm gets back in the car. I point out a u-turn spot for emergency vehicles right ahead and we decided to u-turn and go back Vail to try to figure this out.
 
We park on the side of the road in Vail, which is not amusing to the citizens of Vail and Norm tries to figure out how to chain up. I sit in the front seat cuddling with Rhasta and eating chocolates before looking up nearby hotels that allow dogs. I had just found a place that we could afford when Norm got in the car and told me we were ready to go. We start driving and Norm asks how fast we can drive with chains on. I have no idea so I look it up. 30 miles per hour. We get to the chain up sign that says chains required when flashing and guess what? The sign is no longer flashing. All that work and we don’t even need chains now. As we approach Frisco Norm decides to stop and take the chains off. I tell him I am not sure about taking them off because I had read that we will need them when we get to Silverthorne, but he takes them off anyways. Sure enough, right outside Silverthorne we see the chain up sign is flashing. We just say screw it and decided to risk it.  

​By the time we arrive am I really mad. I have now been awake for 21 hours. At this point I doubt that I will be racing on Saturday. Yes, I have one day to recover but it may not be enough. I don't back bounce from not sleeping very well. The place we are staying is heated by a wood stove and thank G-d they were kind enough to start the fire for us.
 
I didn't sleep as long as I would have liked. Luckily the AirBnb had coffee. I had a cup of coffee, still felt like shit and decided to take a nap. When I got up we went to Starbuck (more coffee) and headed to REI. I was on the fence about wearing tights. I never run in tights, but I also rarely run when it in the 30’s outside. I also was concerned about snow and ice on the course since it had snowed the night before. I decided maybe I should buy some Kahtoola nano spikes. I also had forgotten my gloves so I needed to get a pair of gloves.  
 
We stopped at the grocery store to get food for the rest of the day. I napped and ate and felt better in the afternoon. I unpacked my bag and repacked it with just the things I would need for the race. I was getting restless so I found a dog park to take Rhasta to so we could both stretch out legs. Rhasta had a blast, but as we were leaving I realized how muddy she had gotten. Oy vey! Luckily she was easier to clean up than I thought. We also took some time to try to find the race start since we were driving right past going to and from the dog park. Good thing we did because I had misunderstood the directions. We were also able to try to assess if we would be able to get to the start line. I had received an email stating that if you didn't have 4wd or AWD you wouldn't make it to the start. There was a big puddle that seemed concerning, but other than that it seemed possible to get to the start.

​We ate dinner, watched Santa Clarita Diet and went to bed early. I woke up at 5am easily.  I had a cup of coffee and a kind bar before we packed up the car and headed to the race. It was quick 10-minute drive. We successfully made it through the puddle, but as we started to head up the dirt road to the start it became clear the Prius was not going to make it. It was muddy and deeply rutted. Norm managed to some how turn around and head back to the bottom. Another car was heading up to the start and I jumped out of the Prius. She immediately rolled down her window and asked if I needed a ride. Yes! I got in the car and while we headed up to the start, Norm went down to park on the side of the road.
 
I wasn't nervous about the race. I was nervous about looking stupid. I don't run in cold, snow and ice. I didn't want to look as clueless as I felt. When I started to notice that most people were wearing tights I commented to a girl next to me, “I am happy to see so many people in tights.” “What else would you wear,” she asked incredulously. She was from California. I start getting my pack ready and when I go to get out of my Uggs and put my shoes on I realize that I left my shoes in the car. I try calling and texting Norm, but no response.  Of course. Why do I even pay for him to have a phone? I pull on my La Sportiva. They have a bit of a lug so they might be okay. I was hoping to wear my road shoes with my nano spikes, but this will have to work. No one else is wearing spikes, just trail shoes. When Norm finally arrives (he had to park on the street and walk up the hill on the muddy, icy road with Rhasta) he offers to go get my shoes. I tell him not to worry. I don't like how hard and inflexible the La Sportiva are, but I will give them a try and let him know how it goes.
 
I run into Courtney Dauwalter. We both kinda look at each other trying to decide if it really is the other person because would why they be here? Courtney was running the 12 hour. We have a short race briefing and leave the warming tent to start the race. It was pretty cold and I was planning to take the first loop super slow to learn the route and figure out how bad the ice was before worrying about pace and laps. It was icy, but not terrible. The course was amazing. The climbing felt manageable and the location was beautiful. The top half of the course had a ton of snow, which to me is beautiful.
 
This run was so much fun. I got to chat with different people. A lot of people couldn’t believe that I came from Phoenix just to run this. Talking to one group about how we come up to Colorado every summer they said, “and you haven't moved here yet?” My response, “not for a lack of trying.” But their words would stick in my head.
 
The plan had been to take it easy until I had 2 hours left and at that point turn it on. Coming down from my second loop I was behind a group. They asked if I wanted to go around, but I said no. I told them when we got to the icy section they would see me cry for my mommy. I wasn’t far off.  We were so close to the bottom where we would check in and head back up when took a turn and my foot slipped on ice. I went down hard on my knee. The group in front of me asked if I was okay and I said yes, go ahead, but I was not okay. I sat down on the ground and pulled up my pants to look at my knee. Immediately I could see it was really deep and needed stitches. It hurt really bad. I started walking down the road. Someone I had been talking to earlier came down from behind me and asked if I was okay. He told me he would let them know that I was injured. Norm told me later that he heard someone say that the girl from Arizona had gone down hard and was hurt and he was like, oh yeah, that’s my wife.
 
I made it down to the start and people were waiting for me. We went into the heated tent so I could sit down. They started cleaning out my wound and confirmed that it needed stitches.  I hinted that maybe I should head back out and see how it felt. The guy helping me said, “if you need someone to tell your day is over I’ll do it, you’re done.” I sent a picture to Hayley and let her know that my day was over.  I called Charlie and sent him pictures. We decided skipping stitches would be okay. I could already see that the bruising was bad and the swelling was pretty bad. Peter brought me blankets and someone else brought me coffee. A huge thank you to everyone at the race for taking such good care of me! Norm and I waited until the pain had subsided and I felt like I could walk down the road to our car.  We made it back to the car and headed to the grocery store to get supplies to clean up and fix my leg.  At the store was trying to decide what my best options were for closing up leg. We went with a large band aid that had antibiotic cream on it. I went to the pharmacy to explain what had happened and ask if there was something I could use to flush out any dirt. They had the perfect product.
 

​At the house I showered and tended to the hole in my leg.  Pretty quickly we would realize that the band aid was not the solution.  The skin I wanted to close up was sliding down. Also there was just too much blood for this band aid. I sent Norm back to the store to get steri strips and self sticking wrap. I pushed the skin back in place and put on the steri strips.
 
While Norm napped I looked for a jobs in Colorado. The words of the people on course were ringing in my head. We always talk about moving here, but we never really follow through. We worry about the little what if’s that may or may not happen. We knew we would be coming up for the summer and I found two jobs that were summer jobs. So I applied. It was a start.
 

​We spent the evening binge watching Santa Clarita diet.  Sunday we started the long drive home. Norm first got pulled over for speeding outside of Moab. I don't know how this always happens to him when we are traveling because he really is such a slow driver. We got pulled over a second time south of Flagstaff because one of out taillights was out. Norm was seriously freaking out. Luckily he calmed down, I mean how would we have known if we hadn't been pulled over.
 
About this time I also got an email from one of the jobs I had applied for and they wanted to interview me! I would get a call the next morning from the other job that they also wanted to interview me.  All of this leads to the next adventure…

​Crown King is one of my favorite races so I really wanted to run it again this year, even if I wasn’t trained for it.  When I signed up I told Hayley that if I didn't feel like I had trained enough I would run with her. Going into the race it was really looking like a Kristina and Hayley day of fun! But Hayley had come down sick a week or so before the race and it just wasn’t clearing up. On Thursday night at dinner she was leaning more towards not running than running. On Friday afternoon she sent a text message saying she has definitely decided against running. I told her that I would I would walk the whole thing if she wanted, but she did not want.
 
I knew that I wasn’t racing as in it was an A race. It was a training run and I didn't want to push too hard with another race a week away. That said it was also an opportunity to run an easy racing pace (is that a thing?) and see how I compared to a few years ago when I thought I was in great shape and I ran under 5 hours. When I run these races as a training run the goal is to run harder than a training run at home, but easier than an actual race. At home I can be tempted to stand and rest a bit or cut a run short. If I am at a race I am more likely to work a little harder and I probably won’t stand around. Plus, for me, I find if I want to test out something a training running isn't really the best place. I really need to put it to test in a situation that is as close to racing as possible.
 
Friday night I was a little moody. I was just feeling nervous about the climbing. I didn't really feel like my climbing was where it should be and I didn't want to totally fall apart at the race. After we went to sleep, Hank kept barking at who knows what and we weren’t getting any sleep. Norm decided to put Hank in his crate. Normally Hank hangs out in his crate and doesn't make a sound, but I guess he didn't like being in there at night because he would not be quiet. Which was fine for Norm because he is deaf in one ear so if lays on the correct side, he can't hear anything.  I was up all night! You know how you think, “I should get up…” but you don't. That was me all night. Finally at 3:45, 15 minutes before my alarm was suppose to go off I got up and let Hank get in bed with us. I spent 15 minutes in that hazy not asleep, not awake place before my alarm went off. I turned off and went back to the hazy place.
 
At 4:30am Norm asked me if I was going to the race or not. I looked at my phone and saw that it was 4:30am and said, “I guess not because I can't be ready in 10 minutes.” Norm left the room and left the door open which meant the kitchen light was shining in my eye. I wasn’t so happy with this. The next thing I know he is bringing me coffee. “I guess I am getting up,” I said in a not so pleasant voice. I mouthed off something about how we didn't even have time to walk the dog. I look Facebook and see a video of someone driving to the race start. I am still in my nigh clothes, in bed, with nothing for the day packed.
 
I get up and quickly dress and pack a bag. Norm is working in Crown King so I am going to be stuck for a while. I pour my coffee into a travel mug and off we go. I am not even sure we are going to make it to the start. But we did with about 30 minutes to spare, which was enough. I really had to go to the bathroom so I made Norm go get my bib number. I got my pack ready while standing in line, went to the bathroom one more time and headed to the start.
 
I talked to some people while we waited for the start. The start was a bit delayed, but I wasn’t sure by how much exactly. Off we go and almost immediately my watch feels too loose. I am fiddling with it and chatting with some people. I am in no rush and trying to stay comfortable. This first part out of the park has some decent hills. I say something to Kori, but when I look over my shoulder it isn't Kori. It’s some lady names Marissa. But we start chatting and run together for a bit. At some point I start to pull ahead and I have lost my new friend. I actually was hoping to have someone to run with. All of this time I am still messing with my watch. A couple weeks ago Hank grabbed my watch of the table and decided to make it a new chew toy. This is despite owning a million chew toys. Norm super glued it back together and I keep meaning to order a new watch band, but… So, here I am in a race and my watch won't stay fastened. I keep tightening it and it keeps loosening up. I end up pulling it off my wrist and holding it in my hand for the rest of the race. It wasn’t too terrible, but it was a good thing I had my pack and wasn’t carrying bottles.
 
I passed some ladies. I passed Lauren Coury, but I knew she would catch me eventually. I was worried about the last 15 miles so I was running what I call easy fast while I could. I passed Nicole Kalogeropoulos (I am really going to have to learn to spell her last name now that she lives in town!) around mile 15. I only remember it was mile 15 because I was worried about how I would do for the rest of the race. She was having some breathing issues and wasn’t running as well as she wanted.  Nicole and I would have some back and forth over the last part of this race, but in the end she passed me. I thought about giving chase, but it happened when I was a low point and I couldn't muster the will. I just thought to myself, “well if I can hold on to it 4th place isn't so bad.” Nice attitude Kristina. 
 
On the final climb big climb before the downhill into Crown King an ATV guy stopped to chat. “You must be really fast because you are really far ahead of the next person.” That was probably not the best thing to tell me. I walked more than I should during those miles.  I was so happy to hit the downhill and take off. I really worked hard those last two miles, but it wasn’t enough to make up for all the walking. I had hoped to finish under 5 hours and 10 minutes, but I came in at 5 hours and 3 minutes in 4th place for the women. I am not sure why, but it never occurred to me there would be a master’s division. I was pretty happy to take 1st masters. And although my time wasn’t super fast, I was really happy with it since I have basically been running whatever I want with no real specific training.
 
But the best part of Crown King is after the race. It’s so much fun to sit around and talk with everyone. I got to catch up with some old friends. It was really fun to get to know Art DeGraw better. He is new to the team. Amazing runner and a really super nice guy. Crown King is still one of my all time favorite races. 

go​Sunday morning Brandi and I got up early to leave for Sedona. I wanted to get a run in because I felt great, no soreness at all, but I was on a mission. I was going to the Humane Society of Sedona. There is dog at the shelter named Ken that is 9 years old. He seems to be having a hard time finding a home. The shelter has a #cuddlewithKen campaign. If you follow the shelter on social media you can get updates with a picture of Ken and a caption that read “No one came to cuddle with Ken yet today.” Or if you go and cuddle with him they will post a picture of you and announce that you came to cuddle with Ken. Brandi and I were headed up to cuddle with Ken. We also were there to meet a girl named Rhasta. I had seen her picture and her story and I was obsessed. We had been looking for a friend for Hank. If you know anything about Hank you know it will take a while, like probably a couple of months, but he can eventually be friends with other dogs. I was also looking for a mountain partner. I really wanted a dog I could take with me in the mountains this summer. Hank is not that dog, for a multitude of reasons. Don't get me wrong, I love Hank! But we all have our strengths and our weaknesses in life. 

​We got to the shelter 15 minutes before it opened and stood at the door hoping they would open early for us. They didn't. At 10am we went in and told them we were there to cuddle with Ken and meet Rhasta. Ken was on a visit with a potential family (it didn't work out so you can still go cuddle with him or better yet take him home!) We went to the play yard and they brought Rhasta out to meet us. A very sweet and shy girl, Rhatsa is a Rhodesian Ridgeback that was left in the play yard with a note saying her name and that her family was moving and couldn't take her and that she was good with kids and other dogs. It was written on the back of an old Starbucks gift card holder. I loved her instantly and adopted her. They told me at the shelter that she tends to latch onto one person. She was also very skinny because she wasn’t eating at the shelter. She did amazing on the ride home and has been an excellent addition. Until Hank becomes accepting of our new friend we have to keep him separate from Rhasta. This means that Norm and I now spend all of our time at home in separate rooms, even sleeping so that no one is left out or sad.
 
Still no big racing plans. Right now I am recovering from a nasty fall that I took at Running Up for Air Colorado this morning, but that is a story for another day.
 

​Monday:
This week did not start out so great. On Monday I had to cancel my classes at the community college to put my car in the shop due to an accident.  I thought I could just drive around until I was ready to get it fixed, but I was wrong. The tailgate wasn’t closing properly which meant there was a constant high pitched beeping noise. Norm took me to work at the elementary school and picked me up so I could get my rental car. The only upside to all of this is that I love my rental car!
 
So Monday became a wash. By the time I got home I was exhausted and still had work to get done. No running today.
 
Tuesday:
I usually run after my 8am class at the college, but I had volunteered Enzo to take pictures at the Purim Festival at the Cheder. Little did I know he expected me to go also. It was fine, I ended up working one of the booths, but it meant I had to move my run to the afternoon. I was suppose to attend a training at the community college, but I decided to skip it t be able to get my run done.  I ran 8 miles on Tuesday super easy. With no race plans I am finding it hard to have any motivation to run any miles at all. I am also feeling really stressed about money and some decisions that I have to make. Stress always makes me run like crap. This run ended up being more about stress relief than anything else.
 
Wednesday:
Tomorrow is Purim and I have to deliver 56 Shalach Manos today! In reality, they should be delivered tomorrow, but I am not driving to every student’s house. Shalach Manos are gifts that you send on Purim.  You only need two ready to eat foods. I tend to go a bit crazy and do some foods, a drink and some gifts. I have always given to the whole school, but this year the school is the biggest it has ever been. Knowing that this is my last year at the school I decided to continue the tradition and give to the whole school.
 
I put together really nice packages from the students in my class. The rest of the school is getting a pretty basic package. I had found these scarves for my girls that I really wanted, but I could only find three, In between the community college and the Cheder I was hitting up every Target I could think of to find one more scarf.  Success! But I also needed to stop at Safeway to get candy bars from Israel. My students only eat Cholov Yisorel and Pas Yisorel (think of this as extra special kosher dairy and wheat) so I needed a trip to the kosher section. Because I live close to the central Phoenix Orthodox community our Safeway has a pretty amazing Kosher section.
 
After school on Wednesdays I stay with one of the students for an hour. By the time I get home it is after 5pm. I should run, but I don’t. I also should be going to a Purim party, but I don’t. 

​Thursday:
I head out for my run, but I am just feeling like there is no point. Again, with no race plans I just feel totally directionless. It doesn't help that the 2 races I really wanted to do I had to decide against because of the expense of traveling to the races. Plus, there is a race I really want to sign up for but again with the travel expenses it might not happen. It’s actually not terribly expensive, but a very long drive. I hate to admit it, but these 13-hour drives are really starting to take a toll on me.
 
I got to about mile 2 and really just wanted to go home. I managed to get myself to mile 3 before turning back to the house. But as I got closer to the house I made myself make little turns here and there to add on miles. In the end I managed to get my planned 10 miles done. Sometimes this little trick of letting myself turn around works. I really hate to not run my planned mileage. Although it has been known to backfire too.
 
Girls night! My girl group likes to try new things.  This night we went to aerial yoga at Elevate. It was so fun! It was a restorative aerial yoga class. If you want to try aerial yoga, this is the class. Not a lot of upside down and you stay close to the ground, but super relaxing.

ningFriday:
I actually felt great today! The kind of day where you feel like you can run forever. The weather was perfect, the trails were empty and I was loving running. Until out of the blue my ankle started hurting. It went from nothing to pretty painful. I turned off the trail to get on the road and made my way home. By the time I got home I could barely put weight on my ankle and moving my foot around really hurt. Luckily, it was one of the things that disappeared pretty quickly.
 
I had the day off from the college and the Cheder. I thought I would get so much work done, but I was wrong. I basically spent a lot of time texting to make running plans for the weekend. And looking at races.
 
 
Saturday:
Nadine and I had plans to run together. I took her to my favorite running spot out by Mt. Ord. It’s always fun to run some miles with a friend. This is my most favorite spot to run. I don't get to run here as much as I would like because I don't feel comfortable running here alone. I am always happy when someone will go out there with me to run.
 
Back home I decided to sign up for the race I wanted to do in Colorado. Norm and I had discussed it decided that it was too much money right now. But I couldn't get this race out of my head. So I signed up for it and didn't tell Norm. The race is called Running Up for Air Colorado. They recently held this event in Utah and Jamil had run it. I was so jealous, but now here is my chance.  I will be running on a 2.7 mile loop for 6 hours. I am not only excited about the actual race, but I am excited to visit Evergreen, Colorado. We haven’t been here yet and I love to check out a new small town. I found the cutest Airbnb that isn't going to cost much. I had told Norm we could make an anniversary trip to make it sound more appealing.
 
I had been on the fence about running Mountain to Fountain 15K. I love the race, but I had zero idea how I would do. Now that I had signed up for this race I need the money to pay for the Airbnb. So I took the gamble and signed up for the race with the hopes of making a little money.
 
Sunday:
Norm and I got up, had some coffee and packed up for the race. An 8am start is pretty awesome. Pre race I really wasn't so nervous. I just had no idea how this was going to, but some how this made me less stressed.  I really wanted to run under hour, but there was really no plan.
 
Before the race I am chatting with Hayley and she tells me that she has lost her car key. It might be on the bus.  I tell her to text Norm and tell him to try to figure it out for her. He’s just waiting around doing nothing.  I also tell her not to worry. We will drive her to her house if she doesn't find the key. I also tease her and tell her that I am good friend and will be happy to stay with her while she calls an Uber.
 
I start up front and immediately fall in behind one of the runners in the elite field. She is running about a 6:30 pace on the climb out to the road. I know I have gone out too fast in the past on this part and paid for it so I let myself stay behind her and try to keep the pace relaxed. A couple times I move to the side and we are next to each other, but this makes her pick up the pace and I fall behind her again. As we turn onto the road and start the down hill part I find that I am sometimes running faster than her and move to go around her. Every time she moves in front of me and starts throwing her elbows out or she picks up her pace to keep me from getting past her. At one point she moves in front of me again as I try to pass her and I lose my patience. “I don't care if you are ahead of me, but seriously!” She replies, “Oh, I didn't realize, sorry.” But I am going to call bullshit on that. She clearly knew what she was doing. We keep running together for a while. I hear her tell a guy who passes us that she hasn't been running for a while. I get it, she is probably much faster and she probably isn't thrilled that some old lady who isn't in the elite field is running as fast her. As this is all happening I am trying to be strategic, but also smart. I know I have run faster on this road out of the park, but the goal is to win money and right now I am in position for that. I don’t want to push it too much and blow up. I decide to push a little harder and find myself pulling away from the lady who has been annoying me.  I keep pushing and tell myself not to let her catch me. I know the toughest part of the race is coming up. I am pleased to find myself catching a few of the guys on the course and passing them. My water cup grabbing skills are still on point. I make it to the 10K mark under 40 minutes and I am happy with that. The last big climb, I tell myself to take it easy so I can push it the last 2 miles to the finish. But I could not get the speed I wanted those last 2 miles despite the downhill.  With about a mile left I am finally pushing my speed and happy with my pace again, only to hit another climb. It wasn't that bad really but it felt like Everest. After the climb I struggled to get my pace down to the low 6 min pace again and it became clear that I wasn’t going to finish under an hour.  I pushed as hard as I could and finished in 1:00:37. This put me in 7th overall and 2nd masters. You won't hear me say this often, but I am really happy with the race. I didn't train for this, I didn't taper for this and I am really pleased with my results.  Oh yeah, and that girl throwing elbows, she finished behind me.
 
No word on Hayley’s key. I get my award and Hayley gets her beer for her team. We head to Starbucks for some coffee and food before we make the drive from Fountain Hills to Buckeye. If you don't live in Phoenix, let me explain this to you. It’s the farthest east point that can be considered Phoenix suburbs to the farthest west point of Phoenix suburbs. We often joke that Buckeye is East L.A. We get to her house, grab her key and drive back to Fountain Hills. On the way back I drive. Norm isn't feeling good and I drive much faster. We take Hayley to her car and make our way back home.
 
My mileage ended up really low for the week, but my climbing actually wasn’t too bad. I decided to let it go and start again next week.
 
Brandi and I decided to try an all levels aerial yoga class on Sunday afternoon. The other class was really relaxing, but this class was a ton of fun! There was a lot of laughing. We got to go upside down a lot. I don't know that I want to practice aerial yoga all the time, but it is definitely fun for a change.
 
Time to shift my focus to climbing. I signed up for Crown King. If I race it or run it with Hayley I haven't decided yet. We will see how the next two weeks go. Most likely it will be a game day decision.
 

​I didn't start the year with a New Year’s resolution, but with an intention, a plan. That intention was “running is the priority.” I often cut a run short, skip a weight or yoga workout, or skip a run totally because I have so much work to do or the house is really dirty, whatever. I told myself that this year was going to be different. I started out doing well and putting other things aside, but the last few weeks I have been struggling. I really need to get back on track with a stronger focus on running.
 
The other thing that is hurting my training is that I don't really have a racing schedule. I know what I want to do, but financially I haven't been sure I could commit to those races. I was all ready to sign up for Mad City 100K when my car was in an accident. Hank G-d for insurance, but Mad City is a no go now.
 
A while back Hayley had asked me about pacing her at The Phoenix Marathon. Of course! On Friday night, I ate pizza, my favorite pre race food. I had 2 glasses of wine without worry and went to bed at a decent hour.
 
Up at 3am I actually felt okay. I had been up in he middle of the night with our old dog Maui, but other than that I had slept well. I have started sleeping with 2 blankets in what I call the nest. One of the things I often like abut hotels is that the blankets feel heavy. The heaviness of the two blankets seems to be helping me sleep better. (Yes, Norm and I sleep with our own blankets because he is like a furnace and I don't want him close to me.) I had coffee and some toast. We left at 3:45am which I thought was plenty of time to get there and get on a bus. I was wrong.
 
We sat in a line of traffic that was basically not moving. Watching the minutes tick by I was starting to stress out. It was becoming clear that I was not going to make it on time. Hayley was there and waiting for me. I told her to get in a bus and not worry, I would be there some how some way.  Norm and I started to discuss options. I had felt bad getting him up so early, but thank G-d I did because it kept me calm. If I had been by myself I would have been losing my shit. We figured our options were 1. Get me as close to the start as possible and I would run in the rest of the way or 2. Get me as close to the first aid station/race course as possible and I would jump in. I wasn’t in it for the time, but to support Hayley so if I didn't get a time it wouldn't matter to me. Hayley wasn’t taking her phone with her and got on a bus not knowing when she would see me and only knowing that I promised to get to her some how.
 
I don't know why I did this, but in my frustration I posted on twitter that I wasn’t stressed about pacing but since I was clearly missing a bus to the start my stress level was rising. Almost immediately the race tweeted back that they would ensure everyone would get to the start line. Suddenly the traffic started moving and I made it on a bus. We get to the start and I make way to the start line. I have to poop so badly. I can't not go. I make a visit to the porta potty and after stop at a fire pit to pull of my warm clothes, grab my fuel, Squirrel’s Nut Butter, hand warmers and sunglasses.  I take my drop bag to the truck, where I have to get the guys attention because he is just staring into space and start running to the start. As I was walking from the bus I heard fireworks go off. I heard someone say that the race had started. I was hoping that wasn’t true since I knew there was still a bus behind my bus with runners. But it was true. I went through the start, started my watch and took off running as fast as I could. In the dark I am running 6:20 pace trying to make my way through crowds of people. I am weaving all over the place. I know that Hayley said she was going to try to stay ahead of the 4 hour pace group so I am looking for the sign. I see a sign and get excited. It says 5:45 pace group. WHAT??? I have so far to go. I am holding a stick of Squirrels Nut Butter, 2 packs of hand warmers, 2 gels, my sunglasses and pack of fruits chews while trying to run fast and dodge people. It was pretty ridiculous. What I wouldn't learn until later was that I started 8 minutes late.
 
FYI – in the dark, everyone looks like Hayley! From behind, a lot of people look like Hayley! When I finally see her, about 5 miles in maybe, I say Hayley?” She looks over and I say, “Fuck! I have been running 6:20’s to try to catch you!” I tell her I need to pull over to stop and put all this stuff in my pockets. I race ahead and pull over to fill my pockets. I started running fast again and trying to find her. How did she get so far ahead? It's light now, but I still can't find her. Why are so many people wearing Oiselle? Why didn’t I take a mental note of what she was wearing? I am so frustrated. I am pulling up next to people and being a totally creeper by trying to look at their faces. I pass the 3:35 pacer and realize something isn't right. She shouldn’t be running this fast. But I didn't see her and she didn't see me and call out my name. Ugh! I hear someone call my name and I have just passed Nadine who is on the team with me. I tell her my story and she conforms that she hasn't seen Hayley and that I probably passed her. I chat with Nadine a bit and decided to pull off to the side and what for Hayley. I am now standing on the side of the road. I see people looking at me and recognizing me as the lady that just previously went flying past everyone. I know people are wondering what my deal is and I even hear them talking about me. Sigh.
 
Finally, Hayley!!!! I jump and we wonder how we didn't see each other. Oh well, it’s mile 7 and we are reunited. We mostly stayed together except I had to stop for the bathroom at lot. The first time I really had to pee and I jumped into the desert. There were a lot of people stopping here. A guy came right behind me and said. “I’m not looking I just need to go!” Ha! No worries dude.  I also kept thinking I would poop again because I didn't really get a good poop earlier due to being in a hurry to get to the start line.
 
At one point I had stopped to use the bathroom and was running to catch up with Hayley. This guy pulls up next to me and says, “I keep trying to pee, but nothing.” “Oh” I say because I am really confused as to why he is telling me this. “I noticed you have been stopping at the bathrooms.” Ah… okay, now this conversation makes sense. I tell him I have to catch up to my friend and take off. Later he would run with Hayley and me for a half-mile or so. He told us this was his first and only marathon. It had been on his bucket list and he was in his 70’s,
 
 
 
Hayley did great. She probably didn’t need me. The last 4 miles she started to struggle. I set the pace at 9:15min/mile and let her know we would finish around 3 hours and 50 minutes if we kept this pace. I saw her look at her watch and told her not to look, she would just be unhappy. I knew she was struggling so I tried to keep things light. With every mile we counted down I would remind her that it was an easy distance that she covered no problem all the time. She pushed herself, she said the f word a lot and she got a one-hour PR with a time of 3:52 and change.
 
After we finished I realized that in my panic to get on a bus, I never made a plan with Norm to meet up after the race. I guess I just assumed he would watch us finish and make his way over to us. But that didn't happen. We made our ways to the drop bags and thought he would be there. We waited around, but no Norm. We went over to the stage and waited around here, no Norm. We ran into a friend who said he was just with Norm but they had parted ways. I walked with Hayley to call Norm, but he was already texting Hayley. I called him and found out he was back at the finish line. I told Norm not to move from his spot, said goodbye to Hayley and made my way to where he was waiting.
 
What a fun day, despite the crazy way it started.  I ended up running less than planned on Sunday because my quads and knees were sore. I don't do a lot of high mileage on the roads. I think all of that pounding did a number on me. It’s something to consider as I start thinking about a fall marathon.  
 
Still not sure what is next for me. I’m signed up for Crown King 50K, but I am not sure I am racing shape. I might just run with Hayley. I need the climbing and it’s a good way to get a catered work out done.

​Once upon a time a girl thought she needed to try to get to Western States to prove herself as an ultra runner so she signed up for Black Canyon 100K. Unfortunately, the girl spent too much time on flat fast running trying to break a bunch of open records on the track. She wasn’t feeling great about being able to run the 100K distance competitively and to be honest she didn't really care about running Western States. She loved being there, she loved crewing and pacing, but she just didn't have a desire to run the race (I know, sacrilege!). Despite knowing all of this, she struggled to come to a final decision. Every time she would think she had made a final decision she would almost instantly change her mind.  She ran Elephant Mountain 50K as a training run and hoped it would give her some clarity about a decision. But it didn’t. She tried asking the Magic 8 ball several times, but the answer always came back “can't be decided at this time” (or something like that). A final decision wasn’t actually made until she started running.
 
In case you weren’t sure, I’m the girl in the story.  I try to keep things here very honest, but I also struggle with how much to say because I don't want to look like an asshole.  So at the risk of sounding like a total egomaniac, here it goes. I sometimes get really frustrated that when I do something that I think was pretty good, I get no recognition. It still really bugs me that when I was second in the Sky Running Series in 2016 I felt like I should have gotten some recognition for that. You know what I got, turned down by every company that I applied to for sponsorship or ambassador. And RD’s from races in the series turning down my request for comp’d entry to races. I worked hard for that and plan went as planned. I started out with an okay race, but finished strong. At Audi Power of 4 I beat women who regularly are written about.  I did this as a person who lives in Phoenix, works 2 jobs that are basically each full time jobs, raising a family and working on my dissertation. So at this point, you might be thinking I should check my ego. But really, it is not my ego that’s the problem, it's my finances. I work as a teacher and adjunct professor because I love what I do. And I am really good what I do, I know from the feedback from my students, families and superiors that I was meant to do this. I don't need attention to feed my ego, I need to be able to afford to keep doing the thing I love the most, running competitively. Because as much as I love teaching, I would leave it in a heart beat to focus on running. I have decided to leave teaching at the elementary school, but I know I am going to have to come up with something to replace some of the money. Just something that doesn't take as much time.  
 
That is how we ended up with this Black Canyon dilemma. I signed up thinking that I had to try to prove myself at Western States. But I gave myself one shot, Black Canyon. This should indicate that my heart wasn’t really in it.  
 
In the mean time, I ran Elephant Mountain 50K. I love this race and the course. When I ran the CR record in 2015 I thought I was lost and spent a lot of time stopped and talking to people and even running back the way I had just come. I felt like I could lower my CR even though I was just running this as a training run. I wasn’t really sure I was in 50K shape, but I had a goal pace and was excited to be out racing against people again instead of chasing records no one else was chasing.
 
Race morning my excitement turned to serious nerves. I haven't run a trail race in what feels like forever. I get myself under control and head to the start line.  Seconds from the start I look over my right shoulder and see Zach Bitter and Nicole Kalogeropoulos. Well, there goes a win I think to myself. I try to not let it shake me. You just have to run your race I keep telling myself. I realize that I can see Nicole all the time. She is clearly stronger than me on the climbs, but I am able to use my speed to close distance when things flatten out. I am never more than a few minutes behind her. I refuse to push the pace and keep reminding myself that this is a training run.  But I do realize this is an opportunity to see how I fair running against her. I am guessing she is also running this a training run and I figure that makes it a fair comparison. My goal becomes to finish within 5 minutes of Nicole.
 
Zach and Nicole pass me and I am a bit confused. I think to myself “I don't remember going this way, but maybe I don't remember correctly.”  I get to the aid station and Norm is there. I mean to tell him about Nicole and Zach, but forget because I am busy telling him about an AS situation that occurred. I came into an AS and someone was filling up her bladder from the cooler but the water pitcher was empty. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you some water,” the volunteer tells me. I kinda lost it. “Well I am worried because I’m in second place and trying to catch number one, so I am worried.” I am really appreciative of volunteers and so thankful for all the volunteers who have taken care of me. And I spent the whole rest of my run beating myself up for snapping at the volunteer. I still firmly believe that it doesn't matter if you are front of the pack, middle of the pack or dead fucking last. If you are in a hurry to get in and out of the aid station, they should do everything they can and not tell you to relax. I did apologize when I went back to the aid station because no matter what I shouldn't be an asshole.
 
Anyways, after I head back out I see someone on course and tell her about Zach and Nicole and she says they know already. I feel better about that.  I walked more than I should have and finished in 5:02:36 which was slower than I was wanting, but better than my previous CR by 8 minutes. 

​Fast forward to Black Canyon. Early in the week I had decided that if I was going to race I was going to do it with no crew and no pacer. I had talked with my friend Caroline Boller about her decision to run Javelina after low mileage due to an injury. She told me you have to have a reason. I really thought about that. The reason wasn’t going to be a Golden Ticket. I wasn’t sure I could pull that off. In the end, I decided to run just to run. It was a good way to see where I was fitness wise going into the rest of the year. I had spent ore time that I had planned focusing on flat fast running and I knew that I would be okay at Black Canyon, but probably not anything to write home about. 

​I went out fast and was pushing the pace. I got stuck in the middle of some guys and was running a bit faster than I wanted. At the mile 12 AS I decided to hang for a minute and let them leave first so I could hang back. In reality I didn’t slow a lot, but enough that I felt more comfortable and like I was choosing the pace. I ran in 5th for a good amount of time and I moved into 4th for a bit, but she was right behind me and left the aid station before me. At mile 15 my stomach started bothering me and I was trying to take my time at the AS to get some food and fluids down. It was only mile 31is so I knew I had plenty of miles ahead of me to try to catch her again.  Between this AS and Black Canyon City Lauren Coury passed me, but I knew that was going to happen, I just didn't know when. Still, sixth isn't so bad. I had been fighting stomach issues for over 15 miles. Not just fighting it, but really pushing myself to run as hard as possible. Coming into Black Canyon City Lauren and Molly hadn't left yet, but left pretty soon after I came in. I had decided I was done. I just didn't want to keep fighting my stomach. Nicole did everything she could to help me and talk me into to continuing.  I looked for Nick. We had been running together for a while and I decided if he hadn’t left I would go back out with him, but if he had already left I would call it a day. Finally I found him. I went up to him and said, “hey let’s go!” and off we went. He had to stop for something, I don't remember what and he told me to go ahead and he would catch up. “Oh no, I’m not leaving you. You’re my plan for getting to the next aid station!” I knew that next stretch was long and felt even longer. My stomach actually felt a little better and I decided to just push as hard as I could. And surprise! My legs started cramping. I stopped to mix up some Skratch and worked to get down as much as possible with out over loading my stomach too fast. The leg cramping would come and go and I would just try to push through, but it was making me nervous about getting my feet picked up enough to not eat shit. No one was catching us and we even over took someone. We were rolling. But where was the f*cking aid station????? I was so hungry.
 
We came and refilled out bottles and decided to sit for a minute. Pretty quickly I started to see stars in front of my eyes and feel like I was going to pass out. My stomach went from feeling yucky to feeling like I was fighting back vomit. I tell the volunteer that I might pass out, just so he knows. He asks if I would object to a salt pill. I wouldn't object to anything at this point if you told me it would help. I take it manage to get down some bean tortilla rolls. A woman comes in and leaves. Another woman comes in and leaves. I am trying to muster up the will to fight to catch them. Nick and I get ready to leave and I tell him to go ahead because I can't run. I am fighting not to puke. He walks a bit and then suggests we try to shuffle. I can't. Again I tell him to go. I am glad he did because It was a 4.8 mile hike for me. I tried to tell myself to enjoy it. Look around and enjoy being outside and seeing what was around me. I also have time to reflect on my day. I know that I am dropping when I get to Table Mesa. But I also know I didn't give up easily. I fought hard with the hopes that things would turn around. I feel good about my run.
 
Some may say the fact that I dropped makes it not a successful day, but I disagree. I made a really good friend today. We worked together to keep going when neither of us wanted to be out there any more. We plan to get together for some runs in the future.  As soon as Nick used the F word, I knew he was my new best friend.  I also have an idea about the stomach problems I have been having lately. I think I need more electrolytes and I need them sooner. I also learned that my pack is trying to kill me. I came into an AS and Chris Thorney (Squirrel’s Nut Butter) asked “what do you need?” “Squirrels Nut Butter!” Thank you to Chris for spreading it all over my chest while I held my shirt up. I eventually had to shove my buff into my sports bra to buffer between my pack clasp and my chest. My pack rubbed my chest, rib cage and back raw. My ribs look and feel like someone punched me. It might be time to look for a new pack. The other thing I realized is that when I wear a pack, I don't drink as much.  I feel like I run better without a bottle in my hand. I just feel better. But this pack was killing me all day and I need to be drinking a lot more. It’s good information as I start working towards my goals for the year.